12 Days of Christmas

[Bandit5906]

The 12 Days Of Christmas

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This is a modern telling of the classic carol:


Dec 14
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge ina pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes

Dec 15
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.......I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All My Love,
Agnes

Dec 16
Dearest john:
Oh aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I dont deserve such generosity. Three French Hens. They are just darling but I must insist......you're just too kind.
Love,
Agnes

Dec17
Dearest John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes

Dec 18

Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. However frankly, John, all those squaking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All My Love,
Agnes

Dec19

Dear John,
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a laying on my front steps. So you're back tot he birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!!!
Cordially,
Agnes

Dec20

John:
What's with you and those birds?????? seven swans a swimming! What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY........................So stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes

Dec21
OK Buster:
I think I prefer those birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. there are cow patties all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me!
Agnes

Dec22
Listen Imbecile:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And do they pipe! Plus, they haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds! What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours!
from Agnes

Dec23
You Rotten Pig!
now there's 10 ladies dancing - and I use the term "ladies" loosley! They've been flirting with those nine pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they have got diarrhea, my living room is a river of bird droppings and the commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling police on you.
One who means it,
Agnes

Dec24
Hey Brain Dead!
What's with the 11 lords-a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing ghastly acts with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. they have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McCallister

Dec 25

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge reciept of your latest gift of 12 drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The desruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Around The Bend Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attatched a warrant for your arrest.
Eatte, Draenke, and Beemary

[Bandit5906]

To whom it may concern:


I regret to inforn you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and a Moon Pie [or pork rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have a empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen", when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho Ho Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam saftey triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!"
7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

Merrily Yours,
Santa Claus

[Bandit5906]

Guess he was not a #24 fan?